Text by Yurina
Translated by Yurina and Vosot Ikeida
My eyeball is like a marble fitted in doll
The tie connecting thought and muscle loosens on my face,
I am starting to take the action called “a lie”.
Still now I can put my fingers in the gap between my skin on face and the mask to peel it off
but soon the skin and mask get integrated and assimilated as the boundary cannot be seen
and I forget even they were assimilated, I wonder.
I am becoming an “adult” that I didn't want to be that much
I confined “myself” in my vessel in the past
Because I stack to being pure
and kept on fighting against becoming an adult
Everyday I begged them for informing me despair of this world at first
before telling beautiful lies
And I am
losing vivid feelings of those days
I have to put all my feelings into words
I have to make them visible
I want to prove “those feelings” certainly existed there.
The reason I verbalized stood there.
By recording every single second of my surrounding environment, my current situation, my feelings
and putting it in word
I wanted to keep them close to my body all the time.
Always in my mind, words stream
Loving those words
Brings me peace of mind.
It was one of the things I could do for getting serenity.
When I said a word,
“My world” got melted into the world
When I uttered a word
I felt like my body was deprived
I felt like someone reaches out one’s hands to take my internal organs away
I was afraid to assimilate with the world
From the point of contact with society
Ways of thinking, ways of life, justices of many many people
Come into my body, and my thoughts are mixed with them
And I get closer to the “society”
I have started to get nourished from other places than I had before
when I did not know the difficulty of life
I have been nourished through blood vessels that extended from the placenta
If I didn’t get it, I would have starved
If I didn’t follow it, I would have been cursed
If I didn’t take it as granted
“I” would have been broken.
When the time gets aware
that it is weird,
tear it off with all my mucous membrane
and become an “adult”
Leaving my bowed blood vessels on the ground
I send a glance of “nothing”
To the wreckage.
Nevertheless, I have to admit
the feelings of emptiness and lingering arise at the same time.
One cannot stay at the bottom.
To this fact, I felt the limits of human thinking, I held apologies,
In my room I lamented alone “I'm sorry”.
The fact that one cannot stay alive at the bottom of distress is
led to the action to betray myself in the past, since I was hurt by others
and to the fear to hurt the people I will meet in the future.
I was scared and weeped
because of my own suggestion.
I can't go back to those days.
A part of me is about to blurt out nice-sounding talks
The fact that the world will continue if I can’t die
I am starting to give up those and to have a posture to accept them.
And, another part of me hates such me.
I can imagine, someday
I will separate my previous self from my current self
erase my past self from memories
live dexterously to pretend as if “I was born right now”
With a rude and ruthless attitude to pay no gratitude to the people I have been involved.
Sometimes healing wounds
and letting go of my heart can be the same thing
The fear of crossing the thin rope makes me tremble
I am trying to step forward without taking care
of the words and people that have been given to me by now
Is there such a mean and sneaky thing?
The mean sneaky emotions throw firewood into the flame of guilt
Nevertheless, I can't stop it.
Towards the direction where my mind gets settled down
Towards the direction where I can feel comfortable
I am bringing my steps
The slyness and cruelty
cross vividly in front of my eyes
Will the cruelty arrive in time to hold someone’s hands someday
I look into my black and dark hands.
Now, I am here.
This article is something I started to write more than six months ago and edited again.
The reason why it took me so much time to publish it is
that it was hard to put bare emotions into words,
it was scary to reveal the inside of mind,
When I saw these words with my own eyes,
I wanted to observe my own thoughts while the time passed day by day.
Once again, I spent my time on selecting tones and words
but I feel a little deeply related
that I could give it a shape
before my feelings on those days would be decayed
Every time I read it back
I find myself getting separated from my past self when I wrote it impulsively at that time
I still remember the day I was apologizing to myself in the corner of my room
Myself fighting this sway of feelings
Holding myself from various angles, I am alive.
may there be a moment to look back your feet before you deeply step into the path where you can completely deny what you think now is “wrong”.
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I met Hikipos in February 2018.
“Why am I so much in pain...?” Perpetually submerged by hikikomori, anguish and ache, I became unable to look away from this pain of living. I'd like to assemble words in this gap between myself and society.
...To the Original Version in Japanese