Text by Yurina
Translated by Finch and Vosot Ikeida
I don't want to get involved with anyone
That night I thought so
I bent my knees over my futon, wrapped myself in a blanket,
And returned to a fetus
Because I'm scared to spread my limbs, scared to exist in this world
When will nails fall on my hands
And stick me like a specimen?
I cannot refrain from cowering
The futon absorbs the temperature of my limbs
An urge to gather my body in one place strikes me
It gradually steals the temperature from the blood in my body
“Don't try to take me back to normal”
Don't try to put me into a normal frame anymore
The words I hear from inside the house
Imprison me into the ordinary, the adequate, the mass
Tying myself to the values of “home”
I don't wanna listen anymore and cover my ears
Then cover my face with my palms, and make darkness
But I did not disappear
I can't share with society
This sensation of holding firmly a blanket
Words always bring me back to the world
At the edge of the world
As if nothing was beyond me
As if I was just in contact
With a cold wall
I do want to exist
In a narrow space
Emptying my heart
In a place of loneliness
I go through the night
Since I fear to be in this world, night is the time I can always settle in my thoughts.
If I move my awake body into my futon, then the thought of wasting this time I can be myself by sleeping prevents me from doing so.
My mother never knows the pain of “struggling in the ordinary frame” and scornfully laughs at me as I'm worried about my way of living.
Her laughter tries to fix my thoughts on “mother” and “home” like striking nails into the wall.
Beneath my room, she's attentive to
The sound of the casters on my chair
Using it as a material to judge what I'm doing now...
Feeling like she's watching what I'm doing, I try as hard as possible to be “alone”.
It goes on like that every day.
The feeling that I want to keep what I feel to me, only to me.
The reality that I can only live by my Mother’s viewpoint.
The more those two fight each other inside of me, the more I wish to stay alone.
<Profile of Author>
I met Hikipos in February 2018.
“Why am I so much in pain...?” Perpetually submerged by hikikomori, anguish and ache, I became unable to look away from this pain of living. I'd like to assemble words in this gap between myself and society.
...To the Original Version in Japanese